


i don't care and i don't know why

by Princex_N



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, unhealthy mindsets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 09:30:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16513730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: With an organization like this, in this line of work, it would be remiss not to have therapists on base. Johan knows that they're here, he knows they could probably help.He never goes.





	i don't care and i don't know why

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from [Coma Cinema's "Survivor's Guilt"](https://comacinema.bandcamp.com/track/survivors-guilt).

Johan has been around the Bureau since it was founded, so he out of everyone there should know what the Moon Base has to offer him. 

But he still never makes any attempt to pursue it. 

With an organization like this, in  _this_ line of work, it would be remiss not to have therapists on base. Johan knows that they're here, he knows they could probably help. 

He never goes. 

He can think of lots of reasons why he  _should_ go. Can't think of many (or really, any) for why he shouldn't. 

He still never goes. 

He just... Doesn't. He's tired of living like this (tired of  _living)_ , he doesn't like it, he doesn't like himself, but this is the shit he knows. He's lived in this emotional shit-hole his entire life, it's what he knows. It's  _all_ he knows. 

Sometimes he forgets that other people don't feel like this. He tries to imagine what that would be like, but can't. It just makes him feel disoriented, confused, like some kind of fucked up cognitive distortion. 

He doesn't really know how to feel about the fact that he literally can't imagine what it'd be like to be happy. 

He knows what he's  _not_ going to do, though. 

He's not going to get help. 

At this point, depression is like a fucking character trait; written on that sheet with permanent marker - the only way you're getting rid of it is to scrap the whole thing and start over from scratch. 

Johan just doesn't have the energy for that sort of shit. 

It's world easier to just stay sprawled out on the floor and let himself wallow in it. 

It's pathetic, he knows. It's unhealthy, for sure. It's miserable, without a doubt. 

Johan has been all of those things his entire life. 

There doesn't seem to be much of a point in trying to change things now. 

After all, he doubts he'll be alive for much longer anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> Johan voice: "Oh God, I've never been happy... Bad!!"  
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
